Baggage Claims

I read an ad today in a local paper for pets that need owners, cleverly called “Lost and Hound.” One caught my eye. It had a picture of a dog next to a vacuum cleaner which seemed odd, until I read that this dog had recently lost its owner and had since developed an “intense attachment” to this blue vacuum cleaner and wouldn’t be parted from it….ever, but nevertheless needed a home. I wondered if he slept with it. Maybe someone lays it on its side and he cuddles up to it. And then I thought to myself at least you know what baggage the dog is bringing into the relationship. I mean you can’t miss it; it’s a big blue vacuum for Pete’s sake.
Its seemed so risky to me to be that transparent. What if I introduced myself that way to everyone else?

Hello, my name is John, and by the way, I have confidence issues, an inferiority complex with men who have bigger hands than me, and a phobia of people who are too tan in the winter, so if you want to drop this here, I understand.

Would any of you still be my friend?